Now I Know Nickel Allergy to my BHRs - On The Path To Healing

[hernanu]

Hey 'One,

I had a similar situation in my life, but from a different perspective. My father got tuberculosis when he first got to the US at one of the sweat shops in New York (he was trying to put himself through college).

He was close to death, so my mother came up to be with him, leaving my sister and I in South America with my grandmother for what was supposed to be a few months. His condition (at the time) could only be treated in the hospital, so he spent the next seven years pretty much bed bound, and my mother stayed since he was so borderline most of the time. We waited down south.

The point of this, since we all have our own stories, is that we finally were able to join them, and he came home, but still pretty disabled for a couple of more years at home. There was a lot of confusion and emotion all  over, with my parents fighting quite a bit.

Suffice it to say that it took a few years for things to calm down, with some lingering resentment all around. My parents are now and have been fine for a long while (married for 57 years) and worked through it, but that time was very hard to go through, since we all had expectations of how life would be: my sister and I getting our parents back after seven years, my father's getting his life back (he got his master's in education and retired about ten years ago) and my mother's getting everyone back (she got a PHD in education and ran Bilingual education in Springfield).

Looking back at that time, though, I think each of us became desperate in our own way, trying to fit back into a new situation, and dealing with feelings that had built over the years.  I talked a bit to my mother about it, and she said that she was not all there during that time; I talked about it because I was going through my divorce (and my HRs), and was going to a marriage counselor to deal with it.

I asked my mother whether it would have helped to talk with a marriage counselor then and she said definitely, but they weren't really an option then (she was working piecework at a TV factory). I know sometimes people who love each other and have gone through a lot may get more stress when they try to fit back into a more traditional situation. A long winded way of saying that maybe, in addition to a nice getaway, talking to a counselor may help both of you fit into a new phase of your life.

Sorry for the length, but this did strike home.

[Two4One]

Thank you, Universe of Surface Hippies,

In a while, I will finish responding to every person who was kind enough to offer their experiences and very personal thoughts.  I'm deeply appreciative, and every element from each and every post kinda melded together and helped me snap out of it! 1

With a little help from my friends 2, it's all better today, and I'm definitely signing up with my fellow hippies and everyone to ride upon your mystery ship, and (I'm) amazed, at the friends, you have here on your trip. 3

I used my judo chop 4, DGossack, and I plain ol' fashioned fricasseed (origin 1560â€"70;  to fri ( re ) to fry  + casser  to break, crack (< Latin quassāre  to shake, damage, batter) him until neither one of us could see straight for the better part of the afternoon 8).  Then, just a bit later, Hubs (*he's so dreamy - sigh*) invited me to a Walmart run, where we bought polycrylic stain, a stain brush, wood glue, and a sanding block for his new 7' x 40" work station table he knocked out today!  It's for his new business he's starting after his last day, March 31st, at Big World Company, and boy howdy, am I glad we are putting our rampant energies toward a mutual dream rather than tearing each other apart in fear and frustration!

10/4 Good Buddies, 5

2-4

P.S. I'm looking forward to the day "Where we can laugh our lives away and be free once more."

1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x-fkSYDtUY
2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i24mkN0ybZ8
3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVjN3t8cj74
4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ts1-3JqrG4A
5 http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=53269

[bilateralbliss]

P.S. I'm looking forward to the day "Where we can laugh our lives away and be free once more."

I`ll second that!!

[mslendzion]

Two4
Ope you are well. Missing your daily updates.

[Luanna]

Mee too!

Luanna

[Two4One]

'Nanu, my friend,

I have mulled and rolled around your post in my mind and heart for some time now, and I was not moved to enter my journal per my usual fashion until your words (and others') had found their targets, somewhere in the recesses of what is now me.
 

Suffice it to say that it took a few years for things to calm down, with some lingering resentment all around. My parents are now and have been fine for a long while (married for 57 years) and worked through it, but that time was very hard to go through, since we all had expectations of how life would be:...- Hernanu

All of us here do have expectations of how life should be, of what our recoveries should be like, or how everything will be all better now that we are fixed!  Instead, we get a world changing and world shaking event that is hip resurfacing, and it changes everything, the whole ball of wax, and it surely changes our 'expectations' and stands them on their heads!  IF you let it, if you're lucky enough to embrace and register the vast amount of information spoken to you in this entirely new language that you've never heard before, coming from your body and emanating from the indefinable thing that makes you "you", you let go of 'expectations' and receive the gift of being changed forever. 

So yeah, in your story and mine, we had years of encroaching disability and separation from everyone we loved, everyone who mattered to us the most.  And yes, I do see there's probably corresponding years (or months in many hippies' situations) of post resurfacing 'stuff', directly or indirectly, corresponding to the B.O.A.â,,¢ 'junk' years of pain, fear, and isolation.  The Before and the After are not only like two sides of the same coin, but the pre and post op actuality are a tangible duality born anew insides of us, except now we get to feel better and learn new ways, we get to learn new ways of acceptance, and we get to learn myriad new ways of especially embracing the fall out.

I talked a bit to my mother about it, and she said that she was not all there during that time; I talked about it because I was going through my divorce (and my HRs), and was going to a marriage counselor to deal with it.
- hernanu

I know sometimes people who love each other and have gone through a lot may get more stress when they try to fit back into a more traditional situation. A long winded way of saying that maybe, in addition to a nice getaway, talking to a counselor may help both of you fit into a new phase of your life.

Sorry for the length, but this did strike home. - hernanu

'Nanu, your post struck home with me!  As of this minute, I'm writing three hours away from Michiana, ensconced in my Big City sister's "I Dream of Jeannie" cozy soft pastel of a great guest bedroom & what a fabulous getaway it is!  PLUS, I have an individual marriage counselor appointment 1:30pm tomorrow afternoon.  Hubs keeps asking me why I'm going, and I keep telling him I need to work through some stuff that's all my own and has nothing to with him.  You all know that's a small evasion, but the truth is I need to help myself be my highest self, and there's nothing I can really do for him, nor do I want to!  Hubs is not my business, I hope to accomplish many wonders in therapy encompassing the process of my natural and beautiful bilateral recovery, and I need to extract my reactivity and receptivity to his issues that belong to him.

Thank you, and I have more to convey than this to you, but my words right now don't express the depth of my appreciation for you, Nanu.1


2fer

1 I couldn't stop myself from the silly rhyme!

[Two4One]

Au Contraire, Luanna,

I think running away is an excellent idea!  It worked for me once before when I desperately needed it to. (It was a solo flight about 3 years into our marriage, (having a lover would have been a LOT more fun), and I made it in a rental car from Michiana almost to Phoenix, with my car piled high with every single garment I owned, every last jewelry piece, and ALL photos of me - the ones I didn't rip up and leave in a pile in his closet-, and, most importantly, my previous very much missed Bichon Frise' in tow. 

My object was to leave the house as if I had never existed in it, and if I could not eradicate his memory of me completely, I wanted any physical trace that I was ever in his life erased forever.)  When my lawyer said I HAD to come home, Hubs changed his tune, and to be fair, I changed mine too, enough for me to stay and call off the divorce that was final within the week.

Yeah, this time around is a bit less intense than the white hot intensity of the back then, and I've had a very relaxing and extremely enjoyable overnight visit with my beautiful sister.

Thanks, sweetie, for an excellent suggestion that I think is perfect in the situation that calls for it.  In fact, I would encourage any man or any woman who may be in a bad enough place with their partner that their recovery is undermined or threatened in any way to to get the hell out of dodge!

2fer

[Two4One]

Wednesday February 8, 2012

Tuesday
Sleep   Retired at midnight, crashed before 2am, and I slept in until 7:30am!!  That
           is the absolute latest I have slept in post bilateral op on 12.20.12!
           
           Can I get a Witness?  Woo, hoo,hoo,woo, hoo, hoo !!! = 6 Hours roughly of Sleep

You all know I'm not fond of judging, and I especially take exception to being judged.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." - Judy Garland (1922 - 1969), American Actress and Singer

"Labels are for filing.  Labels are for clothing.  Labels are not for people." - Martina Navratilova

"The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking." - J.K. Galbraith

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." - Katherine Hepburn

With the obvious exception to strictly adhering to your surgeon's rules, my personal belief is that is up to each one of us to devise our own rules and then frequently break them.  I am paraphrasing this from an old movie or perhaps from a grand dame like Bette Davis, but I can't for the life of me figure out who said it originally or what movie it's from!

I'm driving home today from my getaway, and I do feel so much better for getting out of The Tension House.  After being with my sis, who loves me unconditionally AND shares many of my peccadilloes, my hips are very relaxed and happy today.  Isn't it amazing how much worse your hip flexors, quads, etc., can tighten up and hurt so much worse when you're tense and feel under attack?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D59ZWa8ehgI - 'Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign-Five Man' Electric Band

Maybe Hubs, or maybe I should be the one, or maybe - most likely- (occam's ra·zor), we both need to pay better attention to signs and make some changes for our health.

2 fer

[Two4One]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEVErXvdPtc&feature=fvst - The Doors

Two Words:  ROAD TRIP!

Got home after midnight last night....more to come....off to 8am PT.

[Two4One]

February 10, 2912

4:30am

I woke up in pain around 4am, and I realized I must have forgotten to take my Dilaudid last night before bed.  That's a good thing.  I fell asleep fairly early for me and got in some quite solid shut eye, considering.

I saw my therapist for the first time yesterday.  We talked about That Afternoon of my December 20th 7am bilateral hip resurfacing surgery.  We spoke of the veritable hours post surgery. Deep from inside me, I observed with sadness and horror things started going sideways between Hubs and I again.  It gored me to my innermost self recognizing his 'default setting' being switched back on.  Helplessly, I saw my Hubs, a Prince of a Man the entire two and a half years of my confinement, slipping away from me. 

I started fighting for my real Hubs to come back to me.  I started trying to tear away his dross, and I fought to get at who he really is at his core.  I attempted this without success, probably because it's his work to do, if he wants to, and not my business or responsibility at all.  You know, since those hours after my surgery, I innately knew all along the tool and the word to preserve my equilibrium, my 'patient centeredness'1, and my physical health is "separate".

It was rough having 'The Talk' with Hubs last night, but it had to be done.  I told him that for the sake of my recovery I was separating for awhile, ( with no desire or intentions of divorce at all).  Hubs says he can control himself verbally.  He says "one of us has to change, so I guess it has to be me."  I said "OK, I'll stay, but you have to go to my new therapist three or four times.  If you can't stand her, then you don't have to go anymore.", and then I'll leave.  Hubs agreed. 

I didn't tell him that I will continue to go, regardless, because sometimes a Hippy Woman (or Man) needs a little professional help.  As of Now, I'm not leaving to preserve my emotional equanimity - I'm giving him yet another chance, seventy times seven chances to be exact.  (This phrase 'seventy times seven' is thought to mean infinite.)

What does this have to my hip, and why I am I not posting this in emotional issues section?  Maybe you're thinking that, I don't know.

Here's why: First, my out patient PT K'n and I have both noted a direct correspondence between my pain spiking and every time I'm upset with Hubs, which has made my taper a lot more painful physically than it needs to be or has to be.  I'm stubborn and have not let this "tension", (yeah, let's call it that), slow down my weaning off narcotics one iota.  In fact, this morning I've cut my Vicodin10mg to Norco7.5mg!  That's a HUGE Hip Hip Hurray!
Second, many studies have shown that fear and simply feeling that your survival threatened can shut down your body's natural healing mechanisms.  In my case, I must stress this, we are simply not getting along.  I reiterate, there is NO physical abuse whatsoever, and there is NO possibility of that ever occurring.  OK, moving on with the point of this paragraph - This perceived threat to your very survival can cause your body's systems to go into overdrive and release all kinds of glands and secretions and The Universe knows what all to 'protect' itself from said perceived threat.  I will not allow for even the remotest possibility that this "tension" could result in my body rejecting my bilateral hardware, (Heaven forbid), instead of receiving them as the friends they are, instead of acclimating them, and instead of my body proceeding to grow naturally over them, so my hip anatomy has now reinforced itself with a metal alloy at it's very center of support.

From your generous sharing of your own healing experiences, often in tandem with quite trying or failed spousal support systems, now a LOT of hippies know they are not alone, and now we all know it's one of the common challenges of heading into our new leases on our lives. 

Today, my choice is to give Hubs another chance.  He deserves one, and more importantly, so do I.  Therefore, I want to change my posture from one of defense and offense to one of harmonious solutions being a foregone conclusion.  Whether it's a divorce and you have/or are working on/ peace and happiness once again, or you've made peace with your spouse and are better than ever, or really anything in between, do you have more insights, thoughts, or experiences relating to post op reconciling to yourself?

Maybe I'm experiencing a form of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  I don't know.  Will  you please consider choosing to share what is working for you now - now that all the post op dust (ups) have settled?  Would you perhaps please bear with me as I navigate through these unknown waters and help me reach the shore safely2?

Thank You.

2fer

1 http://www.ahrq.gov/qual/nhdr10/Chap5.htm 'patient centeredness'

2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gce7DDH-F0 'Michael, Row The Boat Ashore' - Pete Seeger [1963]

Thursday
Sleep     My head hit the pillow around 9pm, Hubs left for his
             sleep chamber, and I fell Asleep by 9:30pm? or thereabouts.  After hearing
             my own cries of pain, I awakened at 4am.  9:30pm to 4am = 6 1/2 1 Hours
             I'll take it!2 :D

[lynne123]

Here is a book that has helped me with many trials in my life. 
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570629692/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328887760&sr=1-1

This book in no way preaches any religion or Buddhist belief.  It is a philosophy on why we do the things we do and teaches that change begins within ourselves.  It will not conflict with any belief or religion.

She has a few other books that have helped me enormously. This one was the first I read and lead me to read others and is still my favorite:

Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears by Pema Chodron
http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Leap-Freeing-Ourselves-Habits/dp/1590308433/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1328888002&sr=1-3

Based on your posts I really think these books will appeal to you.

All my best,
Jennifer

[Dan L]

2fer

We will certainly bear with you.  My heart goes out to you; your brilliantly eloquent, soul-searching, soul-bearing self disclosures here undoubtedly have very many of us very sensitized to your situation, in a very unique way in this unique place, and what we've all been through (which is in almost every case I've read here, far less than you've been through the past couple of years), creates these kinds of bonds and ties of understanding that transcend the usual. 

Since you first wrote the interaction between your difficulties and your pain levels somewhat recently, I've been closely watching my reactions to stressors.  Actually read back over some older posts here to track some of my rough spots physically, and without question when I'm stressed at work, pissed, or feeling trapped, or even more so at home, I feel like crap.  Fubared sleep, which you've had and chronicle closely, also drives the hips south.  Healing hip hurts more, to-be-fixed-shortly hip hurts more, and sleep gets worse.  Flight or fight response maybe.  Endorphins, 'osterones, cringing and tightening up everything perhaps as well, dunno.  Less pleasure.

If anyone that has been through what you have-- a hellish Kafkaesque 2 years locked inside, in a hospital bed and totally dependent on your husband-- coming on all at once like Gregor Samsa himself in "The metamorphosis", didn't have some or all elements of PTSD, I'd be surprised, very, very surprised.  Actually, I'd assume they'd be lying about it.  Sounds like you're going after all the right venues to help with that, and your ability to verbalize what it is, how it is hurting, and where you need to go, and I'm envious and humbled by your ability to get al that out into the front of your brain, things I know I have spent lots of time frantically trying to keep buried in dealing with chronic issues.  You are heading the right way, is my 2 cents, and doing everything possible to understand and get through it. 

God speed. Your going to get where you want to be, without question.

[Aerial]

Wow, you are going through a lot and I am sorry.  I hope things work out in the way the universe intends.  Be patient in the process and take some time for yourself.  You are only as good for another as you are for yourself!

[Luanna]

Ditto what Dan, Jennifer, and Aerial have said.

In my humble, self serving, and often narcissistic view - You gotta RESPECT yourself! Set your boundaries and stick to em....and keep a Tai Chi instructor or 2 in your back pocket at all times!!

Luanna

[Two4One]

Monday 2.13.12

Keep working hard and you can get anything that you want. - Aaliyah

          I Slept from 10pm to 12:30 and awoke at 12:30am; then, I fell back
          asleep around 2am and slept right through until 6am when Hubs woke
          me asking "Do you have PT this morning, Honey?"
 
Sunday
Sleep  (10pm to 12:30) 2 1/2 Hours + (2am to 6am) 4 Hours = 6 1/2 Hours of Sleep.

          I'm OK with that; post op, my hours of sleep each night seems to be
          slowly and gradually increasing.  That's better than good!  Oooh, I am
          dreaming of the day I will normally and regularly sleep a minimum
          of eight hours and most often clock my B.O.A TM beloved ten hours of sleep!

          Today's Weight:  166 lbs    B.O.A TM weight 145 lbs   Goal Weight:  135 lbs

7am -  Woke up, weighed myself, took my pain drug, and hung out in bed
           ALL morning long!

9:30    Shower and get ready for my trek downstairs to my new and improved
           Living Room that looks wonderful without my hospital bed!!  I
           sent back that contraption on Saturday!!!

[hernanu]

Too cool, 'One - the sleep improvement is great. No hospital bed - it's great your environment is getting back to normal.

[Aerial]

Sweet on losing the bed!  :)

[WTW15]

What a Fantastical Mental Award for you - no hospital bed. 
My mom had MS and that was the centerfold of the living room.  I remember how hard it was to see it there and her in it.  And after she passed, removing the bed was cathardic in that we knew she was no longer in pain and was in a better place. 

Removing your bed means YOU are in a Better Place - with 2 NEW HIPS!!!  I hope it has brought you some serious good feelings.  PEACE!!!

[Two4One]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKn6h2x5IcY - 'All I Have to Do Is Dream' The Everly Brothers

Thank you, Jennifer for the great book titles; I'm a voracious reader, and those books are sure to spark more breakthroughs for me as a person who seeks continuous transformation and growth. 

Thank you, mslendzion for being in my corner. 

Thank you, Dan L, Yes it was totally like being Gregor Samsa, watching the whole world go by and all your old assumptions stripped away in the most brutal fashion possible.  When I read first read your post, I was thinking Hubs was Gregor because he was the kindest, hardworking, and the most selfless caretaker for 2 1/2 years and, then, Hubs reverted to a horrifying default, almost monster like, in my pain filled drug addled eyes. 

Thank You, Aerial, today I'm taking the day off for good behavior, and it feels wonderful to simply nap on the couch intermittently and recharge with my little Boo Boo curled around my feet.

Thank You, 'nanu, WTW, Luanna, and every single hippy everywhere for the uplifting support and energy you and The Universe have provided and continue to provide. I am blessed and humbled by who you are and how you give of yourself.

We had a very lovely Valentine's Day; so much so, I'm posting photos of cards and gifts and food and sweetness all around!  Hubs even went to his first therapy yesterday - in spite of being "blackmailed".  Everyone get out their tiny violins!  Me, well, I go to therapy almost everyday, and it's giving me peace and helping me stand my ground. 

Now, Hubs keeps his lips zipped and "Tension House" is more of a spa environment, which is what I desperately need to keep up with my ever more demanding PT and escalating taper off narcotics.  In fact, today, I'm dropping another 7.5mg of Norcos, reducing my 'Vicodin' intake to 15mgs per day.  I still have 24mgs of Dilaudid and 10mgs of Valium on my current daily narcotic menu, but I'm striving to  eliminate the Vicodin completely by a bit past the end of this month!! 

Also, Last night after some banter over a civilizing glass of Carmel Road Chardonnay and a general exchange of feeling good will towards one another, Hubs generously told me I needed another month of him grocery shopping, him preparing lunch and dinner meals, and him staying on clean up detail!  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  Hubs says he'd do this so that I could keep up on my PT that I've been missing due to the combination of our drama and me feeling pressured into doing too much too soon around the house.  Wow.

Now to top off this lovely turn of events, I slept last night from 8:30 pm to 12:30 am and slept again from 4am to 8:30 am bringing me to a grand total of EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS OF SLEEP!!!!

Hallelujah!

[hernanu]

Great on all of that. Really like the sleep - seems like a calmer environment is paying off.